Why am I always the one who suffers the worst of your unhappiness? Why do you always have to emotionally blackmail me? Does my filial piety mean nothing to you?

I’m no A student, neither am I a high flyer. But I have worked hard these 9 years to get to where I am. Why is it that others respect me for who I am? Does all these mean nothing to you?

Why do you always need to make me feel guilty about the things I do?

I really had enough. If I had the means to move out now, I would. I don’t want to hate you, but sometimes you leave me with no other way.

Why is infidelity so easy to commit? Why does someone so lovely have to suffer because of someone’s selfish whims?

When you walked in today, crying.. I felt so helpless… I wanted to tell you to ask that b*st*rd to go to hell.. But I saw hope in your eyes.. Hoping that perhaps all these might just turn for the better. I hoped along with you… Yet, our hopes were to no avail.. In a matter of hours, the truth unfolded.. Your hope shattered and in your eyes, I saw utter heartbreak..

W, stay strong… You’re a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart.. You are also very young… You will find another man who truly truly loves you, and is worthy of your love…

Smile, dear girl… The centre is a less happy place without your beautiful smile…

I think about things.. And tonight, I’m reminded again of how much I want to move overseas. People will wonder why I’m so eager to move overseas.. I don’t exactly have an answer to that.

Staying overseas has always been a dream.. And the 3 weeks I spent in Perth in 2008, made that longing even deeper. No, I’m not doing that for experience’s sake or to run away from here.
It’s just something I really want.. But looking at the way things are going now, it doesn’t look very likely.

I know I have plenty to thank God for. And I am very thankful for His providence.. God, I know you’re listening… I know You know my heart’s desires… Is there any possibility at all?

I should be in bed now and not blogging in a blog I’ve not blogged in for 3 months..

I’m feeling melo because it’s been an exhausting April and my mind has been working over time. Another reason is due to the loss of 2 young lives in April. 2 lives, 2 very different individuals and 2 vastly different deaths.

Both of whom I didn’t know personally but who were related to close friends. I get very affected when such things happen because I feel sad for my friends and it makes me really reflect.

One was a young man, full of promise and who lived his life to the fullest. A young man who was deeply loved by his friends and family. A life that was so cruelly taken away by the recklessness of an extremely selfish person.

Another was a beautiful and passionate young lady. Someone who was so loved by her friends and family. A girl who was extremely gifted and expressive. Her life was short lived because she loved so deeply but received none in return.

It’s so hard to accept that God allows such things to happen. The pieces that those left behind have to pick up, are so heavy.. The grief they go through because their loved one has gone.. It’s so heartwrenching to see the parents cry for that lost child, to see their siblings mourn and their friends who can’t believe it happened.

Both left me reeling. For different reasons. One, the unjust way he left. The other, so hard to accept that such a beautiful individual couldn’t cope with the rejection of love.

I’m angered by the senseless comments some people have left on her FB memorial. Don’t put the blame on her family n friends for not having seen the signs. Don’t burden them by making them carry that guilt all their lives. Don’t even try to name call and say she was silly to have ended her life. You are not her. So don’t judge.

I’ve always believed that for someone to be able to end his/her life, he/she has reached a point where logic is irrelevant, emotions are running high and extreme despair is all they feel. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to reach that point where my life ceases to have anymore meaning. I know how it feels to want to end the pain I’m feeling. And I also know how liberating it will feel like to be able to be free of that pain.

So please.. Don’t sit there and pretend to be in control of your life and judge others. Stop parading the fact that you were able to walk away from that despair and become a better person. Stop using that as your platform to show how strong you are.

No one has the right to take their own life. Similarly, no one has to right to judge others. Leave that to God.

To Mel, I don’t know you. But I know Stace.. I know she’s mourning your loss. And I know your family and friends love you so much. I don’t know what drove you over the limit.. But I hope you have found your relief.. I hope you left knowing how well loved you were.

To say I wish I had the chance to know you, would probably sound a little too cliche. But I admire your passion and creativity. And I admire the courage you had.

Rest in peace, Mel…

I certainly am not and no matter how hard I try to understand, I simply can’t. I don’t enjoy the preparations for it. I can’t remember when I started hating all this.. Tensions run high and tempers fly. Certainly not the mood intended for. As I blog, that is happening. I know I’m probably talking in riddles here and that’s because I need to vent my frustrations but yet can’t be specific..

This is the time of the year when I’m
most reminded of how much I want out. I’ve had enough of the expectations and reliance. I’m tired of being made to feel inadequate.. I start to realise how much I want to keep the distance sometimes.

All I can do to make things look less bleak is to remind myself that it’s just for 2 more times.. And then I’m free… I know how this is probably starting to sound. But I really can’t be bothered to clarify..

With this reminder comes a renewed determination to make next year happen.

God please forgive me for feeling so bitter. But every year I try to look at cny with enthusiasm and optimism, and I fail miserably. And you know why…

You are calm, patient and giving,
while I am impatient, stubborn and assertive.
Two people who couldn’t be more different,
and yet so uncannily similar.

People look at us and wonder,
Just what is it about us two?
Perhaps if they stop to ponder,
they might just have a clue.

The road we have taken thus far,
has certainly been anything but smooth.
But in our Heavenly Father we trust,
we know He watches over us.

I’ve now resorted to tweeter.. Mainly because I have very few friends on my list.. So if u wan to be added on my tweeter list, MSG me.. I’ll give u the name to add…

Haven’t blogged in awhile… Been busy at work and when I get home, I’m too tired to do anything except sleep…
Work has been good so far… I’m enjoying myself and learning lots..

The only peeve are the people I work with.. Not all actually, jus 2 of them… I duno who can’t stand who… Me or them… One is rather experienced, the other, not really… I jus don’t get their attitudes… Sometimes I feel like being mean and pull ranks with them.. I mean, seriously.. Why shld I have to tolerate that kinda indifference or insolence? To be fair, they don’t cause me trouble like the previous china woman. But they sometimes act as though I’m not there…

I wished her request for transfer was approved.. Honestly. I dun wana keep anyone who doesn’t believe in my authority n leadership… Worse still when she is rather influential.. Sigh…

This has been bothering me since I joined…

But the rest? They are a fun lot to be with.. And the best thing? I dun need to be hounding them to do their work.. It’s auto-pilot..
Aside from these two, everyone else is pretty wonderful…

I was all over the west side today.. Ok, north n west.. From woodlands to jurong west to bt panjang to jurong west and finally to jurong west… I’m wiped out but very happy.

I was looking forward the weekend for various reasons. The biggest was obviously because I got to meet niceguy… Due to our new work schedules, we only get to meet 2 to 3 times in a week. Compared to every night previously, this is a huge change. Needless to say, I missed him so much but had to contend with looking forward to the weekend..

Then it was off to a wedding that I’ve been waiting for a long time. A dear friend finally tied the knot. And at the wedding, it was a time of reunion too… Ex debaters and current colleagues…

Finally, it was off to cell group… We touched on ‘God will provide’… Tonight’s sharing was very meaningful… I really thank God for this cell group.. They really make a huge effort to have a different programme each week so that we can bond over various activities..

All in all, a busy but fulfilling Saturday..

I need strength to get over this.

I need wisdom to do the right things.

I need wisdom to say the right things.

With strength and wisdom, I can.